Breaking News…Harry Potter in Zit Hell Magic Spell Girl Trouble Movie Muddle!

Nobody can claim this film doesn’t have legs. One of the main stars has four of them! Some have accused the writer, Engel Tournpeaks III, of borrowing from recent hits, which he strenuously denies, saying, “I deny that.”The film tells the story of a magical lion who is called upon to save California from a big gorilla that has gotten loose in the city and joined the Republican party, becoming Governor.

A big gorilla yesterday.

Also involved is a sensitive, annoying teenager with big round glasses. When he hits puberty, he discovers that he is a wizard who isn’t attractive to girls.

I wonder if this happened to Woody Allen, too?

Cunningly, he decides to join the feminist cause, whilst secretly subscribing to Hustler and Playboy like everybody else. This puts him at odds with the Lion, who doesn’t go for that type of thing because He’s really Jesus. (And because He’s a lion.)

The Wizard uses his powers to come up with a series of brilliant excuses like, ‘But I only buy them for the articles’, which appear to work, but actually don’t, not even with magic spells attached.

Made in 3-D, when the Lion has finally had enough and whacks the kid across the face, his glasses appear to fly from the screen and sail into the audience. A lesser critic claimed there was a lot of subtext in this, but I didn’t see any subtitles or anything.

Soon though, the Lion and the Wizard learn that they must work together if they are to defeat the big gorilla, even though the Lion keeps mentioning the Wizard’s magazine collection in public and making him blush and stammer.

Finally the Wizard learns how to deny all accusations of inappropriate reading matter whilst looking directly into the camera. Nobody believes him, but they all start to admire the little rogue and he finally goes up against the big gorilla and wins, even getting the right-wing vote on account of the lion, who, although clearly deranged, can talk, which is cute, so they vote for him.

Down but not defeated, the big gorilla kidnaps the Wizard, planning to kill him. However, events get in the way and the gorilla starts to become fond of the boy, who shows kindness towards him, performing magic tricks and dancing naked around a campfire.

When the gorilla approves of the Wizard’s magazine collection, they become firm friends. However, cornered in New York, the creature decides to hide at the top of the Empire State Building.

Unfortunately, as he quietly ascends the famous skyscraper, he is watched by the whole world and gets shot. His fall is dramatic but extremely entertaining.

In the final moving scene, the Lion stands over the gorilla and says, “It wasn’t spotty killed the beast, it was his proposed three-point plan to address the budget deficit.”

The Wizard’s loyalties are not clear as the film ends, paving the way for around ninety sequels

Sadly, whatever my review says, it makes no difference. You HAVE to go and see it, or you won’t be able to join in any conversations for the next ten to twenty years.

See you at the cinema, suckers!