Rolling Stone Breaks Bones In Cigarette Gasper Plaster Caster Disaster!

Hey look, someone’s thrown a cigarette on stage! Oww, shit, me back’s gone, Mick.

Out of his tree headbanger Keith Richards, 62, was recovering in a hospital in Wellington, New Zealand, yesterday, after being diagnosed with ‘mild concussion and a fractured ego.’

Up to monkey business as usual, the legendary Rolling Stones chain-smoking bad boy proved that idiots grow on trees by falling out of one whilst on vacation in Fiji.

Rumors immediately started circulating that Richards was more dead than usual, more horribly disfigured than usual, and plastered in a different way than usual (by actually being covered in plaster cast from head to foot. Or feet.)

Rambo: First Drug. Keith moments before the accident.

A Rolling Stones spokesperson (my mate Duggy), told me exclusively yesterday: “It could have been much worse than it actually was,” he enthused. “Luckily for Richards, he fell from the top branch, which resulted in his bouncing from all the branches below on his way down, thus slowing his descent and causing him to land on his head. “

Ironically the accident happened shortly after a concert in Wellington on April 18, during part of The Stones ‘A Bigger Bang,’ tour. The fall happened at at an exclusive Fiji resort and questions have been raised about what Keith was doing up a tree in the first place.

Exclusive: A shocked Keith recovers in hospital yesterday.

“He’s coconuts!” exclaimed my source Duggy. “At least that’s the official story! He went up there, grabbed hold of his nuts, and fell out again! It’s that simple. And so is he, apparently.”

Dumb & Dumber. Old & Older.

But the truth may be more complex. In fact, we insist that it is. Fiji has a notoriously strict ‘NO SMOKING’ policy. Smoking is barred in all public places and is heavily frowned upon even in wide open spaces, often causing confrontations that have in the past led to threats, violence, torture, rape, murder and castration.

And that was just one guy!

Duggy claims that Keith’s wife Patti told him exclusively yesterday: “I knew that the smoking thing could be a problem, but Keith claimed to be fine with it. Everything was going well for a while, then one day, out on a stroll, I turned to say something and he’d disappeared. I was horrified. I looked around for ten minutes, panic-stricken, then suddenly he appeared again, smiling and much calmer than he had been.

All we are saying, is give Keith a branch.

“This went on for days,” she went on and on. “One day I noticed that one particular tree had a few dozen cigarette butts on the ground around it, and that several coughing monkeys had deserted it. I didn’t suspect anything, though, until Keith fell out and landed on his head in front of me. “

Too much monkey business?
Keith managed to stand after his fall.
Keith’s effect on local wild-life has upset locals.
A heavily disguised Keith leaves hospital
yesterday evening.
The Smoking Gun: Although an angry Keith denied everything, take a
close look at this specially enlarged close up of the ‘V’ sign he gave us.